Mum wakes me up. Normally I’m awake by now but today I was still asleep because I didn’t sleep well last night. I have to go to school today but I don’t like that. Bernie wasn’t nice to me yesterday and Carl laughed at me in class so I threw a pencil at him and now I don’t think the teacher likes me. I’m not going to go. Mum says I have to. I’ve got to get dressed now.
It’s really hard to get dressed. My buttons are being extra annoying. I can’t go to school. Mum makes me breakfast and helps me with my buttons. Mum tells me to go on my I-pad for a bit to calm down.
It’s time to go. I don’t think I can go to school today. My shoes are really hurting and I can’t find my coat. I move into a safe corner in the kitchen and my eyes start to cry. Mum gives me a hug, finds my coat, swaps my shoes and we go out the door.
“why do I have to go to school?” “why are you making me go to school” “well why do the government say I have to go to school” “why can’t you keep me at home?” Ow! Mum’s shouting! She grabbed me, why did she grab me? I don’t like shouting. I look up. I’m in the middle of the road. I feel funny. Mum holds me close and I feel a bit better. We walk to school.
I’m here now. I don’t want to be here. I can see Carl inside the door. I don’t want to go in. I’m going home. I think Carl said something. I feel sick. It’s too loud in there. I hold tight to mum while she talks to Miss Jolly. Miss Jolly tells me it’s time to go to school now and takes my hand. I’m not letting go of mum. I don’t want her to leave me. I hold tight but Oh…she’s going! I don’t feel right. My eyes are crying a bit. The door shuts. It banged loudly. I don’t like the door. There are lots of children in the corridor and I don’t know why they are there. My tummy hurts.
Miss Jolly told me to put my lunchbox and bag away. Someone else’s lunchbox is on my side of the trolley. I can’t put mine down so I hold it tight. I’m taking it with me. It can’t go anywhere else. I go to the classroom. I feel sick. I want to go home.
I walk in the door. Its loud. I put my fingers in my ears. Carl is laughing. Is he laughing at me? I don’t like being laughed at. Why is he mean to me? What is everyone saying? Why is it so loud? I don’t know what I’ve got to do. My shoes hurt again. That light. My eyes. It’s too loud.
I sit down on my chair. Carl is looking at me funny. I want to go home. I’ve got my lunchbox. It’s safe. My hearts loud in my ears. My feet don’t want to stay still. I hold my lunchbox tight. I want mum. I want to go home. Its loud. Miss Jolly is looking at me funny. Her voice doesn’t sound right. The room is so loud today. Why has that picture moved? I don’t like it there. She said lunchbox. Carl is laughing. Why are people looking at me? I put my head on the desk and shut my eyes to make it go away.
Why did Miss Jolly take my lunch box? It can’t go on the trolley. My hands are getting cross. I don’t know where it’s going. Carl is still laughing. The light hurts. The noise. My heart. My legs. I push my table. It falls. My legs start to run. There is noise coming out my mouth. I don’t want to be here. I need my lunchbox. I want to go home. I run. I have to go home.
There’s Miss Jolly. I need my lunch box. She’s putting it on the wrong side. I grab my lunchbox and hold it tight. I’m taking it home. The door is locked. I want it to open. I have to get out. It’s too loud. I can hear shouty voices. I want them to go away. I fall to the floor. I want to go home. It’s too loud. I can’t think. My brain hurts. I don’t like it here. I want to be dead. I want to go home. The door won’t let me out. I hit the door. I hit the door. Let me out. I hit the door. My hand is hurting. My heart Is too loud. The light hurts. My mouth is screaming. It’s too much. It’s too much. I want to go home.
The arms hold me tight. The voice talks softly into my head. The shouting voices are quieter. The light hurts. My hand hurts. The arms still hold me tight. The voice is still there. I’m crying. mum holds me. Mum holds me tight. I shut my eyes and bury myself in my mum. “It’s too much mummy. It’s too much. I want to go home”
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If you like this post you may like my other posts about our experiences of autism and school which you can find here.