“It’s too much Mummy”

Mum wakes me up. Normally I’m awake by now but today I was still asleep because I didn’t sleep well last night. I have to go to school today but I don’t like that. Bernie wasn’t nice to me yesterday and Carl laughed at me in class so I threw a pencil at him and now I don’t think the teacher likes me. I’m not going to go. Mum says I have to. I’ve got to get dressed now.

It’s really hard to get dressed. My buttons are being extra annoying. I can’t go to school. Mum makes me breakfast and helps me with my buttons. Mum tells me to go on my I-pad for a bit to calm down.

It’s time to go. I don’t think I can go to school today. My shoes are really hurting and I can’t find my coat. I move into a safe corner in the kitchen and my eyes start to cry. Mum gives me a hug, finds my coat, swaps my shoes and we go out the door.

“why do I have to go to school?” “why are you making me go to school” “well why do the government say I have to go to school” “why can’t you keep me at home?” Ow! Mum’s shouting! She grabbed me, why did she grab me? I don’t like shouting. I look up. I’m in the middle of the road. I feel funny. Mum holds me close and I feel a bit better. We walk to school.

I’m here now. I don’t want to be here. I can see Carl inside the door. I don’t want to go in. I’m going home. I think Carl said something. I feel sick. It’s too loud in there. I hold tight to mum while she talks to Miss Jolly. Miss Jolly tells me it’s time to go to school now and takes my hand. I’m not letting go of mum. I don’t want her to leave me. I hold tight but Oh…she’s going! I don’t feel right. My eyes are crying a bit. The door shuts. It banged loudly. I don’t like the door. There are lots of children in the corridor and I don’t know why they are there. My tummy hurts.

Miss Jolly told me to put my lunchbox and bag away. Someone else’s lunchbox is on my side of the trolley. I can’t put mine down so I hold it tight. I’m taking it with me. It can’t go anywhere else. I go to the classroom. I feel sick. I want to go home.

I walk in the door. Its loud. I put my fingers in my ears. Carl is laughing. Is he laughing at me? I don’t like being laughed at. Why is he mean to me? What is everyone saying? Why is it so loud? I don’t know what I’ve got to do. My shoes hurt again. That light. My eyes. It’s too loud.

I sit down on my chair. Carl is looking at me funny. I want to go home. I’ve got my lunchbox. It’s safe. My hearts loud in my ears. My feet don’t want to stay still. I hold my lunchbox tight. I want mum. I want to go home. Its loud. Miss Jolly is looking at me funny. Her voice doesn’t sound right. The room is so loud today. Why has that picture moved? I don’t like it there. She said lunchbox. Carl is laughing. Why are people looking at me? I put my head on the desk and shut my eyes to make it go away.

Why did Miss Jolly take my lunch box? It can’t go on the trolley. My hands are getting cross. I don’t know where it’s going. Carl is still laughing. The light hurts. The noise. My heart. My legs. I push my table. It falls. My legs start to run. There is noise coming out my mouth. I don’t want to be here. I need my lunchbox. I want to go home. I run. I have to go home.

There’s Miss Jolly. I need my lunch box. She’s putting it on the wrong side. I grab my lunchbox and hold it tight. I’m taking it home. The door is locked. I want it to open. I have to get out. It’s too loud. I can hear shouty voices. I want them to go away. I fall to the floor. I want to go home. It’s too loud. I can’t think. My brain hurts. I don’t like it here. I want to be dead. I want to go home. The door won’t let me out. I hit the door. I hit the door. Let me out. I hit the door. My hand is hurting. My heart Is too loud. The light hurts. My mouth is screaming. It’s too much. It’s too much. I want to go home.

The arms hold me tight. The voice talks softly into my head. The shouting voices are quieter. The light hurts. My hand hurts. The arms still hold me tight. The voice is still there. I’m crying. mum holds me. Mum holds me tight. I shut my eyes and bury myself in my mum. “It’s too much mummy. It’s too much. I want to go home”

Thankyou for taking the time to read this post.  If you would like to read more then feel free to follow my blog or like my Facebook page which I keep up to date with new posts as they are written. You can also find me on Twitter @KidsOnTour1

If you like this post you may like my other posts about our experiences of autism and school which you can find here.

23 Comments Add yours

  1. I had tears in my eyes reading this, I have seen this through my friends children, and even my own daughter since she has become ill with the noise and light sensitivity x

  2. Your posts are unfailingly emotional and inspirational all at once. Love reading your posts! Keep up the great job!

  3. I honestly love/hate reading your posts. I love them because they’re so powerful and full of emotion, I really feel like I’m watching and in your sons shoes, but that’s also why I don’t like them. The pain and struggles he had to keep facing, and the thought that no one really understands whats going on with him when you’re not there. It breaks my heart there isn’t more people out there who are trained to help in the school system. But I’m glad you’re getting the message out there, people need educating. xx

    1. Kids on Tour says:

      Thankyou so much, I love/hate writing them! I want to raise awareness, its an emotional thing to write about when you have lived it with your child for years but at the same time good to get it off my chest! Xx

      1. Yeah, I can definitely see how it would be a release for you to write it all down. You should be proud of your writing, it’s totally captivating and raw emotion, you’ve really got it spot on xx

  4. Laura Dove says:

    This reminded me so much of my Meggy, she is very much the same with noises and the light, it is absolutely heartbreaking although we do not have a diagnosis. Much love. xx

    1. Kids on Tour says:

      That must be so hard for you too. Big hugs x

  5. My knowledge of autism if woefully limited and your post has opened my eyes to the struggles that people with autism face which may not be a big deal for the rest of us. Keep up the good work.

  6. kalliamanika says:

    Your post was so engaging, I felt I was there. I am in tears, it was very personal and emotional. Autism is so broad and I have limited knowledge, so thank you for bringing awareness to the matter.

  7. Your post is very emotional and true to words. It is a lovely read and awakens my inner thoughts.

  8. suchi says:

    Your post is engaging and really got me teary eyed!! I have a cousin who is Autistic and I have seen the struggle.it is an issue that needs awareness. We should thank you for sharing this post & bringing some awareness.

  9. Melissa Vera says:

    Sharing experiences like this is what the internet needs. Maybe then more people will understand those who are different from us.

  10. I was sobbing my heart out reading this. I have a 4 year old son who absolutely hates school, and although he doesn’t have autism (as far as we know), we go through a similar chain of events every morning. It’s heartbreaking.

    Louise x

    1. Kids on Tour says:

      Im so sorry you go through this, there is nothing worse than leaving your child somewhere knowing they arent happy. Big hugs x

  11. Yukti says:

    Very sorry that you are going through very emotional phase. You are writing very nicely and keep writing always…

  12. Karen Nadine Knight says:

    A very emotional post for me – school was a nightmare! Thank you for putting it into words

  13. It break my heart reading your posts, yet they are so powerful. You have a gift to describe it perfectly well.

    1. Kids on Tour says:

      Thankyou x

  14. Jake Ferrer says:

    Oh I can feel her pain while reading this. It just made me cry. Thanks for sharing some awareness on parent’s with children like yours. I wish to give him the hug of comfort that everything will be alright.

  15. Elizabeth O says:

    Your post was so engaging. I am very sorry to hear about your emotional experiences. You are writing very nicely.

  16. alisonrost says:

    I felt anxious for him, just reading your words. I know when I’m in loud places, I start to fee this way too. No matter what I tell myself, I only want to go home. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be on sensory overload all of the time. So eye-opening. x

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