I cried myself to sleep last night. I was so worried about school. I thought I would rather be dead than go today. My mum held me until I fell asleep.
She woke me up this morning and I remembered I had to go to school. My heart sank.
Its non-uniform day today. That doesn’t make sense. You wear uniform on school days that’s why its a school uniform. Non uniform is for non school days. I don’t like the idea of not wearing my uniform and mum says I can wear it anyway if it’s easier but I also hate people looking at me and they will if I wear my uniform.
I don’t want to get dressed. I sit in the corner of my room and cry. It’s too much to ask of me to put the wrong clothes on.
Mum helps me and calms me down a bit. She tells me it’s ok because it’s just the same outfit I wear on Saturdays but I’m scared because my shirt has stripes and what if stripes aren’t right? Mum finds me a plain T-shirt and makes me some pancakes to cheer me up.
It gets closer to time to go and I start to feel scared again. I go and hide in my sensory room.
Mum says I have to go to school but my legs don’t want to and neither does my head. They decide to stay behind while my hands hold onto anything they can find.
I fight. I scream. I don’t know how to say what I’m feeling and it’s getting too much now. I hold onto the lamp post and cry. I kick my mum and then I feel really sad because I hurt my mum and I cry some more.
We have got to school now but I don’t want to go in. What if the teacher looks different today? The children will all be different. I am different. I’m not wearing the right clothes. I hold on tight to my mum, maybe she will take me home. I want to go home. I say that. I say it over and over again. That’s all I can say right now.
My teaching assistant holds on to me and they lock the door. My mum walks away. I panic, I know the other door is open and I want my mum so I run away. As fast as I can. I run out the door by the office and I run to my mum. She holds me and she is saying words but I can’t listen now its just too much.
My mum takes me back to my teaching assistant and she holds on to me. This time my mum is gone. The teaching assistant takes me to the classroom.
I can’t go in. It’s too busy. It’s too noisy and it hurts my ears. The lights are annoying and the teacher doesn’t look right. He’s wearing jeans!
I’m not going in. I can’t do it. It’s too much. I start to scream and bang my head on the wall. I bang it again. And again. I try to make it all go away.
I feel people grabbing me. I don’t like being grabbed. I start to panic and hit out. The next thing I know I’m on the floor. I’m being held down. I don’t want to be held down. I can’t move. I try to hit them away. I want my mum! I hear voices but I don’t know what they are saying. It’s too loud.
There she is! Mum runs towards me. I think they rang her. She holds me so close. I’m safer now. I’m still crying. I want to go home. I say it again. Again. I want to go home.
Mum tells me it will be alright. She tells the teacher I’m going with her. She holds my hand and takes me away from that place. We go home.
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